This list is compiled from years of conference-going, listening to editors and agents bemoan the tactics that writers-at-large use to gain their attention. And, in a way, these things work. You gain attention…
…just not the kind of attention you want!
Hope you enjoy :~)
Things Not to SAY to an Editor/Agent
- I will call next week to see how you liked my manuscript.
- Hope you enjoyed the glitter confetti.
- My mother/children/class loved it!
- You only think I should make that change because you don’t understand.
- This is the next Twilight!
- This is the next Harry Potter!
- This book will appeal to all audiences.
- I’m submitting this to you because I really loved novel X (which hasn’t, actually, been released yet.)
- Dear Mr. Green…when “Mr. Green” is actually “Ms.”
- I know you don’t usually publish children’s books, but….
Things Not to DO to an Editor/Agent
- Show up at their office unexpectedly.
- Call when you don’t have a relationship.
- Call when you DO have a relationship—for the forty-seventh time that week.
- Cry.
- Throw your plate of spaghetti at them for rejecting your perfect prose.
- Slide your manuscript under their hotel room door.
- Corner them in the bathroom.
- Send them gifts (unless, of course, those gifts involve chocolate.)
- Send them a manuscript signature required (or postage due!)
- Drop off your laptop to force them to read your manuscript, so that they have to call the bomb squad.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I believe that all of these things have actually happened! Makes ya want to go out there and hug an editor today, right?
Although maybe that’s not a good idea, either. Unless you know them 
PS: The picture shown to the right is “How Not to Pitch” from Anna-Maria Crum, and it’s on my coffee mug. Just in case I forget!
Ha! Great list. I needed that laugh today.
Hehehe, your "don't list" made me chuckle. Thanks for the laugh.
These are hilarious~ thanks for the laugh!
Hi, all! Yeah, made me laugh, too–and then you made me smile all over again with your comments
. Happy writing today!
Excellent list, and the picture alone made me laugh! But I was going through, reading each one and being like, man, I hope I don't do these!
Heck, I may have to rethink my strategy
Love this! Helps us all remember to stop cornering editors in bathrooms and crying while we throw pasta at them. ;o)
Glitter Confetti! That's brilliant!
Where’s the list? I keep clicking on “more” and nothing happens. It’s a nice visual, but I don’t understand blogging platforms that make it impossible to access content.
Hi Anne–I’m so sorry! Somehow I managed to delete half the post–thanks for letting me know. It’s back, now
Thanks for letting me know it was fixed. I think WordPress may be having a hissy fit today. Yours isn’t the only one with a problem. Very funny post!
This book will appeal to all audiences – smile! It’s so tempting to dream that though, isn’t it?
Absolutely!! Well, for some of us there’s an exception, right?
[...] Ten Ways to Irritate an Editor or Agent – I have to admit, this made me laugh and then cry because some of these have happened to me too! [...]
This is a great list!
I have no worries about the things not to do, but a couple of the things not to say concern me. I could certainly be tempted to say number 1 — hopefully, I will catch myself before uttering such words. Regarding number 4, I have definitely thought that, but so far I have not voiced it. Regarding the other 8 items, I can safely avoid them.
I must confess… I read with bated breath, hoping I wouldn’t discover something I shouldn’t do ever again. Fortunately, all my goofs must be decorating a different list.
[...] Ten Ways to Irritate an Editor or Agent is both funny and true. The article includes ten things not to SAY and ten things not to DO. Some of the ideas sound far out, but I’ve actually heard of most of them happening. [...]