This list is compiled from years of conference-going, listening to editors and agents bemoan the tactics that writers-at-large use to gain their attention. And, in a way, these things work. You gain attention…
…just not the kind of attention you want!
Hope you enjoy :~)
Things Not to SAY to an Editor/Agent
- I will call next week to see how you liked my manuscript.
- Hope you enjoyed the glitter confetti.
- My mother/children/class loved it!
- You only think I should make that change because you don’t understand.
- This is the next Twilight!
- This is the next Harry Potter!
- This book will appeal to all audiences.
- I’m submitting this to you because I really loved novel X (which hasn’t, actually, been released yet.)
- Dear Mr. Green…when “Mr. Green” is actually “Ms.”
- I know you don’t usually publish children’s books, but….
Things Not to DO to an Editor/Agent
- Show up at their office unexpectedly.
- Call when you don’t have a relationship.
- Call when you DO have a relationship—for the forty-seventh time that week.
- Cry.
- Throw your plate of spaghetti at them for rejecting your perfect prose.
- Slide your manuscript under their hotel room door.
- Corner them in the bathroom.
- Send them gifts (unless, of course, those gifts involve chocolate.)
- Send them a manuscript signature required (or postage due!)
- Drop off your laptop to force them to read your manuscript, so that they have to call the bomb squad.
In case you’re wondering, yes, I believe that all of these things have actually happened! Makes ya want to go out there and hug an editor today, right?
Although maybe that’s not a good idea, either. Unless you know them 
PS: The picture shown to the right is “How Not to Pitch” from Anna-Maria Crum, and it’s on my coffee mug. Just in case I forget!
Ha! Great list. I needed that laugh today.
Hehehe, your "don't list" made me chuckle. Thanks for the laugh.
These are hilarious~ thanks for the laugh!
Hi, all! Yeah, made me laugh, too–and then you made me smile all over again with your comments :). Happy writing today!
Excellent list, and the picture alone made me laugh! But I was going through, reading each one and being like, man, I hope I don't do these! 😛
Heck, I may have to rethink my strategy 😉
Love this! Helps us all remember to stop cornering editors in bathrooms and crying while we throw pasta at them. ;o)
Glitter Confetti! That's brilliant!
Where’s the list? I keep clicking on “more” and nothing happens. It’s a nice visual, but I don’t understand blogging platforms that make it impossible to access content.
Hi Anne–I’m so sorry! Somehow I managed to delete half the post–thanks for letting me know. It’s back, now 😛
Thanks for letting me know it was fixed. I think WordPress may be having a hissy fit today. Yours isn’t the only one with a problem. Very funny post!
This book will appeal to all audiences – smile! It’s so tempting to dream that though, isn’t it?
Absolutely!! Well, for some of us there’s an exception, right?
😉
This is a great list!
I have no worries about the things not to do, but a couple of the things not to say concern me. I could certainly be tempted to say number 1 — hopefully, I will catch myself before uttering such words. Regarding number 4, I have definitely thought that, but so far I have not voiced it. Regarding the other 8 items, I can safely avoid them.
I must confess… I read with bated breath, hoping I wouldn’t discover something I shouldn’t do ever again. Fortunately, all my goofs must be decorating a different list.